


Bar Troubles

by Bremmatron33



Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One), Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Cheers AU kind of, Mild Language, Sitcom, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-05
Updated: 2017-04-05
Packaged: 2018-10-15 05:33:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10550918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bremmatron33/pseuds/Bremmatron33
Summary: Sometimes Swerve wishes his bar was a little more adventurous like his sitcoms but if he only stopped to really look he'd realize they are.





	

**Author's Note:**

> for betarayatlas on tumblr who wanted a Cheers AU and well I've only really remember one episode of cheers so I did my best. Hope you like it. Unbettaed so mind any grammar errors.

Swerve milled around the fairly large space of the bar rubbing at his shoulders and doing some soft skipping jumps every now and again. Most of the patrons were out so he didn’t mind leaving the actual bar less attended. For some unexplained reason the climate control in the bar was fucked and everything was freezing cold so the mini couldn’t blame the other mechs for the low turn out. Still that didn’t stop a good chunk of the Lost Light’s patrons so Swerve was still open regardless of how his energon slugged in his lines. Primus minibot problems. Luckily Cyclonus had come in early for his routine morning pick me up of mulled energon as he so often did now after….things happened. It was a bit of a troubling reminder but he was happy to have the imposing mech around.

As Swerve hopped by him the mini felt icy cold claws around his arm. “Swerve, have you told someone about this issue with the bar?”

“Yeah, yeah Cyclonus! I told both Ultra Magnus and Drift. They said they’d send someone over as soon as they could but the problems with the bar ain’t exactly the first on their list. The whole ships got problems thanks to that asteroid belt we flew directly into. Honestly who do we have to blame for that one? I got knocked right across to the other berth and still rolled onto the floor.

“I believe that was Megatron. He had the ship on autopilot and got called away for a moment too long. Were you hurt?”

“Just my pride. Thought I was dense enough not to get knocked around like that ya know!” Swerve laughed, trying to clear his conscious of Cyclonus’ drill like stare.

“Would you like me to see if there is anything that I can do? There is heat in all the other parts of the ship.”

“Uhh..,sure if ya’ want. The vent’s over there, but what about your horns? Aren’t you worried you’ll get stuck?”

“I have lived with my helm ornaments my entire existence I have learned to be cognizant of them.”

“If you say so. Just be careful up there.”

“Your concern is acknowledged I will do just fine. Let me go find a ladder.” Cyclonus downed the rest of his drink and slipped from his stool. As the stoic mech slipped out in the hall Swerve went back behind his bar to fix himself a warm drink. It wasn’t the best look to be drinking on the job but he figured it was alright to treat himself because of the cold.

As he sipped he heard the telltale clanging of Ultra Magnus entering the bar. He was humming softly as he stalked about as if he was looking for something. Swerve quickly downed half his drink and turned to help him with whatever. To the mini’s surprise the other mech was lugging around a fairly large space heater.

“Hello Swerve.”

“Hiya big guy! There’s an outlet over here.”

“Thank you. I hope this helps until we can get someone in here. I met Cyclonus in the hall and when he told me you were having immediate issues I went to get this. Rodimus keeps it in the cockpit despite my warnings so I consider this taking precautions against another explosion of our ship. I don’t know why he needs it anyway, he already runs hotter than most mechs.”

Swerve cleared his vocalizer a bit uncomfortably. Like Cyclonus Ultra Magnus had been making sure to keep an optic on him as well. The mini had thought it was a Rung thing but the mech drank like the other patrons whenever he came to visit.“Oh thanks Ultra Magnus but I don’t need him coming in and yelling at me for taking his stuff.” Swerve finished his drink and quickly went to cleaning the glass so he wouldn’t have to look at the other mech.

Magnus finished plugging in the heater and took a seat at the bar. “No need to worry I have written you a letter. An official seizing of property, signed and sealed. Now,” Magnus leaned in a bit on his arm, letting his exhaustion show through just a bit. “What can you offer for a burgeon processor ache so I may buy myself some time from returning to our captains?”

Swerve laughed again as he started to fix the mech his drink. “That bad already?”

“Around them I feel like Ravage with only a bag of grenades.”

Swerve quirked his head a little not really grasping the simile. “Oh yeah?”

“Yes. So many options and yet nothing I can do. They simply don’t listen, far too engrossed in themselves. Megatron is more open but he always does what he wants in the end. I’m supposed to be an enforcer to protect both him and everyone else from him and yet…I do nothing! My words have no impact!.”

“That’s not true big guy. Just ‘cause they’re both hard headed doesn’t mean what you say doesn’t get through.”

“That’s very kind of you to say Swerve but I believe it is obvious to everyone on this ship that what I say doesn’t get through. I have grown used to it. I only speak up now so I am not liable later.”

“Yeah well...I’m always here to listen, figure you do enough listening someone should at least return you the favor.. Here’s your drink.” Magnus nodded in acknowledgement as he took his drink.

“I appreciate that Swerve I really do.” The two lulled into a comfortable silence, a few other patrons came to order more drinks but returned to their seats and private conversations. Swerve’s attention only piqued when the familiar form of Cyclonus returned. Swerve ran to get the door for him as Cyclonus carried in the rather tall ladder. He huffed a quick vent as he set it up and met Ultra Magnus’ polite wave of greeting with one of his own. Swerve couldn’t help but worry. Cyclonus was tall and nimble despite his construction but he was forged with a pretty heavy core.

“You sure these old vents are gonna hold your weight. I wouldn’t even trust myself up there.”

“Surely if Skids can do this then I can. If an issue does arise rest assured I will deal with it in the least destructive manner.

“Okay but that’s your final out is all I’m saying. Have fun in the vent.”

“As long as it’s only symbolic fun! Skids already has far too much fun in the vents and it’s already a problem we don’t need him to have a partner!” Cyclonus rolled his optics at Ultra Magnus and started up the ladder.

“Honestly you two act as if you doubt me. I did not suffer through eons of being Lord Galvatron’s obedient servant to be thought incompetent.”

“It ain’t like that Cyclonus! I just don’t want you denting your butt on my bar is all.”

“I assure you I will not.” With that Cyclonus carefully pried off the vent and crawled inside. Ultra Magnus and Swerve watched the swordsman’s pert purple aft disappear out of sight before turning back to their own conversation.

“So Ultra Magnus any updates on what we’re heading to do?”

“Oh Swerve you know how it is. Sometimes I feel as if we aren’t meant to accomplish anything.”

“That’s good to know. Another drink?”

“Yes.”

The two continued to chat as the time drifted by. Ultra Magnus helped him clean glasses and refill some of the dispensers as things lulled. Sometimes just sitting at his corner of the bar doing paperwork when things picked up. He didn’t say much but but Swerve couldn’t help but admit to himself that he liked having him there.

“Hey Ultra Magnus?”

“Yes Swerve what is it?”

“I haven’t been paying much attention but did Cyclonus ever come down from the vent?

“Not that I recall, should I go up and call out to him?”

“I think so yeah.”

“Alright.” Magnus pushed away from the bar and headed over to the ladder, Swerve lingered at the end of the bar ready in case of disaster. As he worried about Magnus on the rickety ladder the bar echoed in a familiar call as the door to the bar slammed open and a screaming match followed in..

“Tailgate?” The mini ignored most of the concerns and headed straight to the bar, desperate optics turning to disappointment as his search turned up nothing.

The regular was being trailed by Brainstorm who was looking worse for wear. Swerve gave Magnus one last glance before going to serve the two. “Come on Tailgate it won’t be that hard!”

“Just get Preceptor or some other scientist to do it.. or better yet ask Swerve since you bothered to follow me here!”

“Ask me what? I’m not doing anything for you Brainstorm except serve ya a drink for whatever happened to your optics. Nothing personal but nothing you do ever leads to anything good.”

Brainstorm sighed “I’ll take that drink but can you at least get Tailgate to help me! I’m not going to embarrass myself in front of the other scientists! Especially like this! They’re gonna ask what I did and I will not tell competent peers that I flashbanged myself with my own weapon!”

“I embarrass myself every day, get over yourself!” Swerve chuckled at Tailgate as he served the two their drinks.

“Ain’t that the truth. I’m sure the others expect this sort of slag from you Brainstorm. You’re worryin’ about nothin’.”

“Puh-leaaaaaaaaaaaassse Swerve~ It’s not even that difficult of a task! You really could do it! I just need someone go enhance the new batch of energon for the month! It’s just following a formula and measuring out essential metals and fortifying liquids it’s easy!”

Swerve shrugged as he dropped a straw into Tailgate’s glass. “He’s right that is pretty easy. Even if you mess up the worst you could do is waste supplies by adding too much of something.”

“I’m not risking my aft and if Cyclonus was here you wouldn’t be doing this to me!” Tailgate refused to look at the other mech as he determinedly sipped at his drink.

“NO, because I’d be asking him! Why won’t anyone do this for me?!” Brainstorm sloughed onto the bar and pouted, attempting to find where Swerve had placed his drink. Swerve inched his servo closer in the right direction.

“I’ve given you enough lessons for you to do this? You’re the one always saying you want a job that’s not just clean up when slag hits the fan around here. Do this and they might start to take you more seriously.

“Exactly! What Swerve said. Do this for me and I can put in a good word for you with Percy~ I can teach you how to work the centrifuge and everything!”

“I don’t wanna work within fifty feet of you let alone get lessons! I like my head where it’s at thanks very much!”

“Oh don’t be so dramatic, you tried to disarm a bomb! How can you be afraid of a few chemical explosions?”

“Because at least it was going to blow up all of me. I’ve put that behind me! I’m an old mech, I like doing old mech things now! Like reading and living my own life.

“Then as my elder I demand that you handle this responsibility!”

“That’s not how that works.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I was forced to read the Autobot code till it practically wrote itself onto the list of my primary functions!”

“Just do this for me~ I’ll make you a better hovor board! I’ll make you a jetpack so you can play around in space! I’ll make you an exact replica of Cyclonus’ spike that tells you how amazing you are every time you use it!”

“You know you had me at hovor board but lost me at the last one. Why would I want that it’s not even realistic!”

“TAILGATE~” Brainstorm slammed himself down on the bar in front of the mini….or at least a much in front of as he could imagine.

“FINE! Fine. Whatever I’ll play scientist so you don’t have to look like an idiot in front of whoever but if I get in trouble for this I swear I am ratting you out so fast!”

“You won’t~ I promise. It’s an in an’ out job TG. No one will even notice you’re in there.”

“I don’t find that very settling to be honest. If I can sneak in there and no one’s going to notice then anyone could!”

“Nah,nah,nah,nah. You need a keycard. Which you will have. So come on! I’ll write out the formula as we get there!” With the mini bribed Brainstorm grabbed Tailgate by the middle and ran off towards the lab. Navigating the journey surprisingly well despite his lack of vision. Still swerve couldn’t help but grimace when Tailgate was nearly smashed against a wall in the scientists hurry. Luckily there was no damage.

* * *

 

During the whole encounter Swerve had heard a faint angry screaming that had been muffled by the vents. He’d ignored it for Brainstorm’s sake but thinking on it now as he walked over to Magnus and the ladder perhaps he should have told Tailgate that Cyclonus was in the vents. Maybe the more confident mech would have done a better job. That thought quickly became moot as Ultra Magnus slowly descended, a small smile on his face. “What’s with the grin big guy?”

“Oh well...Cyclonus is stuck. I’m too big to reach in there to pull him out and he’s had very little luck pulling himself so I think It’s time for me to disrobe as it were.”

Swerve quirked his head to the side. “Why am I not surprised. What happened?”

“Dust. As a mech of his religion and model his vent screens aren’t that good anymore. He’s engine jumped and so did the rest of him.” Magnus was almost laughing now, just a slight amused chuckle. “Those horns of his buried right to the base. Primus knows what’s above that vent because he can’t get an inch.”

“Oh well that ain’t good. If his screens get too clogged he’ll pass out in there and this place really won’t get any heat. Plus you’ll have to bring Velocity in here! I don’t really want that much of a scene in by bar.”

“Yes, of course.” Magnus quickly returned to his usual stoic comfort. “This is a serious issue and it will be handled. I will return to my quarters and return here at a much more maneuverable size.”

“Thanks. Preferably get him out before Tailgate gets finished with Brainstorm. The last thing I need is more mechs in my vents and you know he’s gonna try to help the best he can.”

“I do. It will be handled.” Swerve watched Ultra Magnus head off before heading to the front of the bar and taking a seat. Primus it was barely the middle of the cycle and he was already exhausted. He could blame it on the slugging energon in his lines but he knew better. He’d still yet to return to Rung after the cycles after the incident despite assuring everyone he had and while Rung wasn’t one to rat mechs out he’d still been leaving concerned passive aggressive notes on his hab-suit door ever since. He knew he should go and just face it all, get whatever medicine he needed and at least try but….the thought of another routine, another commitment was….exhausting.

They bar stayed quiet for a moment and Swerve relished in that silence. If he focused hard enough he could even hear Cyclonus grunting a swearing above him and that had him laughing a few quiet chuckles himself despite the situation. Most of it was drowned out by the slight drone of the old space heater. The monotonous mass of noise of patrons conversations tuned out, turned into a empty ball of comforting white noise

He had to get up when a few mechs wanted refills. Swerve swore and scorned them in his processor but this was his job and he was happy to do it on most days. It had just been an exhausting couple of cycles. Cold, empty ones where even his favorite fantasies couldn’t lull him to recharge. He just wanted to rest but knew anything else was better than that for him.

Eventually Ultra Magnus returned. Now Minimus. The small green and white mustachioed bot placed a gentle servo on Swerve’s shoulder when he noticed the other mini leaning a bit too heavily on the counter. Swerve perked up instantly, his visor flaring slightly in surprise and fear.  
“Swerve.” Minimus’ deep cadance shook through the other mini and asked more that was said.

“Hey! Back already! Primus it’s still a shock looking at you like this haha! Still don’t know why you run around in that suit when you’re so good looking like this!” Swerve was blushing and almost panting from in his panic. Minimus could only sigh and go along with the mini’s distraction to ease his anxiety.

“Well~ There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be a bit bigger when one’s has bigger aspirations.” Minimus tried not blush at his own words. He was still so very bad at being common let alone blue with any other mech but that was what Swerve, not to mention most other mechs on the ship, was comfortable with so he tried his best. “Is the cold getting to be too much Swerve? You could go lie down and let someone else help you for a bit. Weren't you training someone else to take a few shifts off your shoulders?

Swerve waved him off and picked up a rag to go clean off a recently vacated table. “Sure but one of them is Tailgate and I have no idea where the others are. That was more for when we touched down so I could get a chance to go explore. Not for day to day. ‘Sides they’re all probably busy doing real work right about now I can’t ask them to come take over for me.”

Minimus’ touch returned, this time a bit firmer. “Swerve as much as I treated this idea as a disreputable practice in the beginning I have quickly re-assessed my feeling for the idea. Mechs enjoy this place,need this place just as much as you need it. What you do is real work even if it doesn’t feel like it.” Swerve laughed again and tried his best to keep his optics on the table in front of him.

“Oh big guy I know that! I know that. I’m just talking. I’m fine really, just needed some time off my peds. So go help Cyclonus he’s the one who really needs you right now not me!”

“Yes well while his situation may be more dire, your discomfort worries me more due to your nature.” Minimus pulled away and held his servos primly behind his back. It wasn’t his intention to push and it was clear Swerve had everything under control at the moment at least. “Hopefully the next time you see me Cyclonus will be down right after. Feel free to shout if you need me but to be honest I think this will be a quick rescue.”  
“Got ya big guy. I’ll be fine~ this is my bar after all.” As soon as Minimus was gone Swerve slumped back against the table. Primus maybe he really did need to see Rung.

The rescue apparently wasn’t as easy as Minimus had assumed it would be. The mini had gone up and down the ladder multiple times now and even run off with it to other parts of the ship. Turned out Cyclonus was in a pretty tricky spot of the vents that left little room for either of the two to get any leverage. It had actually created quite a commotion outside the bar and had stolen away most of the patrons to oggle at the predicament. It was a little irritating but he’d done more business than he ever thought he would on a cycle like today so Swerve was more than happy to relax.

Relaxation didn’t last long though suddenly as Brainstorm burst into the bar and proceeded to blockade the door. Not alarmed enough to jump to his peds just yet Swerve looked up from his servos he was resting on and hollered at the panicked bot. “Hey! What do you think you’re doing?”

Brainstorm stalled for a klick before continuing his blockade efforts. “Can’t talk. Tailgate caused an explosion somehow and got caught by Megatron and the “captain” and he’s gonna tell on me and I’m not gonna get taken alive for sabotaging fuel supplies!”

“What!?”

* * *

 

Across the ship Tailgate sat under the scrutiny of Megatron and Rodimus. Both looking incredulous and angry. “Tailgate come on! We know you didn’t just go into the science quarters on your own. How did you even get in there!?”

Tailgate seethed in his chair. He had been so ready to just oust the scientist especially when Brainstorm ran like a little glitch but something about the other mechs wild fear kept him silent. The mini knew Brainstorm didn’t like dealing with either of the two mechs in charge. So despite promising Cyclonus he wouldn’t lie any more, he lied. “Alright Rodimus so listen….” However finishing his tale Megatron remained…..skeptical.

“I don’t believe a word of what you just said. TELL ME THE TRUTH!”

“Okay! Okay! I’ll tell you!”

* * *

 

Back across the ship just outside the bar over a dozen mechs were yelling solutions to Minimus up in the vents but none of them seemed viable. They had tried everything despite the obvious for fear of it being a tad awkward but exhausted of everything awkward was the only thing left.

“Cyclonus we’ve been at this for hours!”

“I’ve almost got it! Just give me some space!”

“YOU’VE BEEN SAYING THAT FOR HOURS! JUST-” Minimus didn’t give the other mech a choice. Crawling forward in the vent Minimus grabbed the taller mech around the middle and tugged as hard as he could.

“MAGNUS i REALLY DON’T APPRECIATE THIS!”

“TOO BAD YOU’VE CAUSED A CROWD!” Face pressed precariously close to the swordsman’s aft Minimus tugged again and again until there was the sharp tear of metal above. The two fell back flat on each other as Cyclonus was freed, Minimus giving a small shout of triumph before he was flattened by the taller mech. Lying there for a moment to vent and wheeze Cyclonus glared at the twin holes he had left in the ceiling of the vent.

“I’m not getting up till you promise to never speak of this ever Magnus.”

* * *

 

Back in the bar Swerve had forgone trying to calm Brainstorm down. It wasn’t gonna happen with Megatron and company outside pounding on the door. “Isn’t there anything you can do Swerve!”

“What do you think this place is a church? No there’s nothing I can do I’m a minibot for Primus’ sake.” As he cleaned up for the night something slinky and black jumping down from the vent caught the bartender’s attention. Ravage. The cat yawned and stretched his wires as he looked around the empty bar. Sliding up against the minibot expectantly he made small talk.

“Slow night eh?” Swerve nudged him to the side to get the bar. Ravage purred softly as he followed the other mech.

“Yeah but not like this. Cyclonus got stuck in the vent so mechs went to gawk. You know how this ship is.”

“Oh is that what that yelling was all about. I was sleeping up there trying to get warm till it all started.”

“I think you were the reason it started in the first place.”

Ravage smiled as he lapped at the bowl Swerve poured for him. “Whoops. Sorry bartender.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Kudos, comments, and requests are welcome and appreciated.


End file.
